I started the new season of Star Trek: Picard, against my better judgement. I made it 10 minutes in before my brain was so confused I had to re-start it and begin taking notes.
This is nothing but spoilers. If you haven’t watched the episode, and actually care, don’t read on. It also requires some context for most of my comments. So if you haven’t seen it; some of this might make zero sense.
Also, a lot of this is just plain nerd nitpicking bullshit.
REVISION: One of my comments about Guinan has been updated. There was something I missed, apparently.
A phonograph?
Picard is listening to a phonograph… 400 years in the future. This is a recording technology which was surpassed in quality centuries ago, and, presumably, there is even newer technology in the 25th century, that producers clearer and more authentic sounds than what we have today. This is beyond stupid. This is beyond “Picard likes old stuff”. This would be the equivalent of someone in the modern day only listening to music performed live by a chamber orchestra.
Space winery?
Chateau Picard uses all kinds of wild space technology in its operations. Mini teleporters pick the grapes off the vine and put them into hover baskets. Some kind of… magic (?) puts the labels on the bottles. I’m nitpicking right out of the gate, but this is the kind of work that humans would do in a post-scarcity society for the love of the craft, since they could otherwise just use replicators to make the entire product.
How is it special in any way to drink a bottle of wine made by technology? Just ask the replicator for wine. Also; consider the energy expenditure to scan a bundle of grapes, down to the molecular level, destroy it, and then rebuild it molecule by molecule from raw material, a meter away on a hovering platform. You could just get a person to do it and not only will someone have a rewarding job, but you also have “genuine wine” made in the ancient style.
Abusive upbringing?
Dear Patrick Stewart, I love you dearly, but every character you play doesn’t need to have your personal emotional trauma and your personality. It’s alright to play someone who is different from you. You obviously knew that at some point in your career and have long since forgotten it. Picard, like Stewart, is now the victim of an abusive father.
My heart goes out to him, personally, and everyone who has suffered such trauma. I would welcome a story, written and/or directed by Patrick Stewart, about a character in Star Trek, with whom Picard interacts, who has suffered similarly. Picard could be the “I understand”, without really understanding, well-meaning person that he, the actor, has faced his entire life when discussing his trauma. Stewart could provide a personal and impactful take on such a story. But Picard, the character, doesn’t need to be the focus of that story.
Forever alone?
On that subject; Picard is too emotionally distant to form a relationship with his Romulan maid due to childhood trauma. Except… he had formed relationships before. What about his long-term “will they won’t they” with Crusher? How about when he lived the entire life of a man due to space-probe shenanigans, including having a wife, children, and grandchildren (TNG S05E25)? What about that lady from Insurrection? And these are just ones off the top of my head.
FIRE! There was a FIRE!
How come the solarium is intact, albeit neglected? Chateau Picard burned down during Generations. Burned down so badly that his entire family died.
Back on the job?
Did I miss Picard being re-instated into Starfleet? Was that in the previous season? We last left it with him and his pals heading off to adventure.
Starfleet policy on murderers?
Why is the Romulan assassin in Starfleet? Why would they accept him? He’s a monk raised by warrior nuns, how did he pass his exams?
New take on the UT?
Why does the hologram speak Spanish? Does Seven of Nine not have a universal translator? Or, are they now portraying a more realistic version of the UT, where we hear what’s being said in the room, but she is hearing it translated in her mind? Very cool. I’m sure they’ll stick with that.
Raffi also back on the job?
Raffi is back in Starfleet… it seems?
Kirk UNIT! V’Ger requires that murdering doctor be imprisoned!
The Deltans make a return. And for some reason Dr. Jurati isn’t in prison, but this is explained with a throwaway line of how she was cleared due to alien induced psychosis or something. I should nitpick this, but think of all the times a Star Trek crew member has done something truly criminal, due to sci-fi antics, and just got away with it. So I’m going to let that slide. Also; she and Rios have broken up, for some reason.
Soji is speaking to the Deltans in their language. She’s a robot, so it actually makes more sense that she would simply speak to everyone in their own native language. Very cool. I’m sure they’ll stick with that. No, wait, she then says shit in English to them. And they speak in English to her, so I guess the UT is still a thing and works the way it always has.
Rios also back on the job?
Rios is back in Starfleet and a captain. He’s investigating an anomaly and could use the help of a robotics expert… why? He’s smoking a cigar on the bridge. Why would that be allowed?
NCC-1234-F**K YOU!
Rios’s ship is called U.S.S. Stargazer. But its registry number is NCC-82893. Picard’s Stargazer was NCC-2893. Did they do away with the A-B-C registry thing? It makes more sense not to do a letter after the number, there’s no precedent for that in Earth naval tradition. For example; the first carrier Enterprise was CV-6, its successor was CVN-65, and the successor to that ship will be CVN-80. However, Star Trek has a clear tradition of doing ascending letters after the registry number. NCC-1701-A. Did they forget this? Have they seen Star Trek before?
Woe is Raffi
Ok, so Raffi and Seven of Nine are still together, but Raffi is saddled with being in Starfleet. Why? Just quit and join her. She was already out of Starfleet in the previous season.
Stay in your lane!
Why does the robotics expert have more expertise on discerning languages than the communications officer on a Starfleet ship? That’s literally the communications officer’s job.
El-Aurian Aging Problems?
Guinan is centuries old. She looked exactly the same between 1880 C.E. and 2380 C.E., but in the past 30 years she aged… 30 years.
REVISION: I must have sneezed and missed this explanation, but Guinan does explain that she chose to let herself getting older.
Wasted ideas
I admit that I like the idea of a 90 year old Picard coming to terms with the fact he was an introverted, stoic, stick in the mud, for his entire life. And someone like Guinan would be the one to confront him on it. Except, he’s been playing Picard as a passionate romantic since the TNG films. That ship sailed. You missed your opportunity to explore that. He’s a totally different character. This would have been a fantastic story to explore immediately after TNG ended, while he was still playing Picard the way he had played him for 7 years previously.
DRAMA!!!
The visiting admiral dramatically hands Picard his communication badge… except he was JUST AT STARFLEET ACADEMY, in uniform, delivering a commencement address. He’s been re-instated! Why is this so dramatic?
A rowbot making 45 knots?
Wait… Picard goes, via shuttle, to the Stargazer to see the anomaly? Where is this anomaly? How fast is the warp drive on that shuttle? Remember when Picard and Wesley were on a shuttle together and he jokes to Picard that it’s going to take them many days to get where they’re going because it’s a little shuttle and not a big star ship? What’s the point of having big starships if shuttles can get across the galaxy in seconds?
Voyager? Pfft…
The new Stargazer was built using technology gleaned from the Borg Artifact. What could they have gotten from there that they didn’t already get from Voyager’s time in the Delta Quadrant? That ship was kitted the fuck out when it came back.
Janeway? Pfft…
Why are the Borg obsessed with Picard? Here are Picard’s Borg credentials.
- (TNG S02E16) Met the Borg
- (TNG S03E26, TNG S04E01) Got captured by the Borg, and once rescued, gave advice to help destroy a single Borg cube
- (TNG S05E23) Met a stranded Borg and released him back to the Collective.
- (TNG S06E26, TNGS07E01) Encountered some disconnected Borg led by Data’s brother, Lore. When the stranded Borg, Hugh, went back to the Collective it splintered them, and several groups broke away. This is ultimately Picard’s greatest slight against the Borg, but later iterations will not reference this at all.
- (First Contact) Destroyed another Borg cube, alongside a Federation fleet, then traveled back in time to stop their assimilation of Earth’s past, and killed a Borg queen
I would list Janeway’s Borg accomplishments, but they can be summed up quite simply as: “fucking fucked up the fucking Borg at every turn, including tussling with the Borg Queen on multiple occasions, and blowing her up in the end”. The Borg should be obsessed with killing Janeway.
New ships!
Yay! The effects budget includes more ship designs now. Looks like an updated Excelsior Class. Neat.
Errr… First Contact? What? Never heard of it.
Picard is now soft on the Borg? Despite being a hardened Borg murderer in the TNG films?
Why was he made captain?
The Borg: “We will negotiate. We will send a representative.”
Rios: “No way I’m letting them on board! Shields up!!!”
Or… send Picard out in a shuttle and have them meet him there? Just a suggestion.
Star Trek via Joss Whedon?
The most dangerous enemy Starfleet has known appears on the bridge. And Jurati flippantly says “That’s new.”
Where’s Tuvok???
They all start firing at the Borg emissary, whose shields deflect their blasts. ROTATE FREQUENCIES!!! Did Seven of Nine not spend like 4 years on Voyager? Does she not know this???
Why was he made captain? — Part 2
Rios: “Cease fire!”
Crew continues to fire for another minute. Great respect his crew has for him.
Seven of Nine doesn’t understand the Borg?
Seven: “We can’t give her an armada!”
She has a ship bigger than anything in Starfleet. She has the capability to assimilate entire ships. Pretty sure she doesn’t need your armada. She’s just neutralizing a threat.
Fun Callback
Picard’s alternate timeline badge looks like a variant on the alternate reality badges from TNG. That’s neat.
Old Q?
Me: “Q is going to appear. Will they explain why he looks older?”
Oh shit, they do. Fantastic!
Make it cheap!
Producers: “We want a second season, but we want it cheaper.”
Writers: “Time travel to the 21st century?”
Producers: “Genius. Get to work on it.”
Armchair Screenwriter 