Boy oh boy… halfway through this stinker. Here are my stream of consciousness thoughts on the first three episodes. Some of my thoughts are wrong and contradicted later, but I have no plan to fix what I wrote on the day.
S01E01
Five minute recap of the prequels. Ok, fair. They assume many viewers have avoided them because they’re so terrible. I approve of that decision.
Now the story can begin… sorry, what? We’re back in prequel times for a flashback? Why is the camera suddenly bouncing? Did the camera operator get scared of all the blaster fire?
Positive: The clone troopers interacting with the Jedi teacher appear to be guys in costumes. Night and fucking day compared to the absolutely God awful CGI of the prequels. Excellent decision.
Whoa! Tatooine. We’ve not seen this place yet in a Star Wars show!
Yikes. I assume these bad guys are from some cartoon show? Did they not realize how fucking hysterical these clowns would look? One is all pale with a bulbous head and Beats by Dre wireless headphones. The other is an Asian looking man with a space rice picker’s hat on.
AHAHAHAH! And the pale one has a hilarious comedy voice. High pitched and posh. Totally doesn’t fit.
Ok, so let me understand this… the Emperor built his case against the Jedi on the idea that they were villains and were going to take over the Republic. And a few years later his goons explain how Jedi are noble and helpful and that has to be stamped out. LOLWUT???
Wait, these inquisitors have Jedi powers? What happened to “there are only two Sith”? And why would the Emperor tolerate Force sensitives other than his minion, whom he has total control over? They’re a massive threat to him. Evil Jedi are a bigger threat to him than good Jedi, who might have the sense to just steer clear of him and not try to undermine him and backstab him.
How do we convey that the fat bearded guy is a bad guy? Oh… make him (American) southern.
The snout nosed camel-like creature with no visible teeth is a carnivore?
Obi-Wan: “Master Qui-Gon?”
Director: “Pssst, Ewan. Hey, sorry. Yeah, Liam wasn’t willing to be in this schlock, sorry. And that guy will pretty much do anything for a paycheck these days.”
Watch me eat those words and Liam Neeson shows up later.
Obi-Wan went to the Boba Fett school of desert travel. Don’t bother covering your skin. Just bake in the sun.
HOLD THE FUCKING CAMERA STEADY! Why is a simple shot-reverse-shot conversation being done handheld? Christ, I’m starting to get nauseous.
Leia has a creature from *Batteries Not Included as a pet.
Hold on, what happens to all the dragon meat when the shift ends? It just sits out?
Kind of a bold move to make a black woman the meanest of the baddies. Is she from a cartoon show? I predict she will have a redemption arc. Maybe a former Jedi, one of the kids from the start, who is mad at Obi-Wan for abandoning them?
Oh and now the inquisitors are saying the Jedi are bad. Make up your mind!
Jimmy Smits knows Leia is Anakin’s child and thus the Emperor, or other Imperial cronies, might be looking for her, right? So why is he just letting her run wild? At least it’s implied that Owen has a super tight grip on Luke.
Is the green lady the same species as Prince Xizor? If so, that’s a fun callback.
Why can’t these villains catch a tiny little person? Ever chased someone that’s like 3 feet tall? Not that hard to catch. This is the second worst chase scene in Star Wars after the space vespa chase in The Pamphlet of Borba Feet.
They better explain where this hyperspace Bat Phone goes. Otherwise why didn’t Jimmy Smitts use it rather than sending Leia to Tatooine to get Obi-Wan in the first film?
This shaky handheld work is making me want to punch the screen.
So… circular saws are standard issue on all droids?
In my head canon Flea is playing the same character from The Big Lebowski. Both were ineffective kidnappers.
Who is going to feed Obi-Wan’s camel while he’s gone?
S01E02
WTF… are there two gigantic uncircumcised penises walking around on the planet Obi-Wan is visiting?
Well, Obi-Wan is still a fucking idiot. “Excuse me. I’m tracking a ship and…” Dude, why the fuck would you tell someone that? There are a million better ways to try and find someone or something without sounding like a fucking narc.
Is this space Thailand?
So, the Stormtroopers already exist in their OT form? Why not come up with another stage of armor between RotS clone trooper and OT storm trooper? Prime opportunity to sell some merch.
Ahaha, Obi-Wan pulls a piece on the Jedi con-man. That’s so dumb, but I’ll allow it.
Obi-Wan gets into a fist fight with two guys. I get not wanting to use Jedi powers, like tossing the guys around or shooting lightening out of his hands, but might I suggest…
Obi-Wan: “I’m meant to be here.”
Thugs: “You’re meant to be in this area.”
Obi-Wan: “You’ll let me look around and go back into your little room.”
Thugs: “Go ahead and look around. We’ll be in here if you need us.”
Obi-Wan: “… you really want to give me a handy. I’ve been so lonely in the desert.”
Thugs: “Alright, jackass, don’t push it.”
Flea: “You’re not a Jedi anymore. You’re just a man.”
Why on Earth would he think that? This guy is at least 50 years old. He was 40 when Jedi were flying through the fucking air and leveling buildings with their minds. WHY WOULD HE THINK THIS GUY IN FRONT OF HIM ISN’T THE BIGGEST THREAT EVER???
The little girl playing Leia is terrible. But so are most child actors. I can’t hold that against her.
The inquisitor lady is terrible too. Could just be direction.
SWEETUMS!
Obi-Wan asks Leia how old she is. Dude was literally there when she was born.
They really thought these inquisitors were going to be so badass, but they look ridiculous.
Was that a Beholder in a jar?
I don’t understand what is with all the jumping around the inquisitor lady is doing. It doesn’t look cool. It serves no purpose.
Obi-Wan waxes nostalgic about Padme. How much interaction did he have with her on screen? It’s implied they knew each other well, but we were never shown that they were friends. Oh what the fuck am I talking about we were never even shown that Anakin and Obi-Wan were friends.
Wait… Obi-Wan didn’t know Vader was alive??? Does Obi-Wan not get a newspaper on Tatooine? Does he never check his Spacebook or other social media? Vader is The Emperor’s right hand man. Surely a major part of the Empire’s propaganda machine is bigging up all the shenanigans Vader and his hooligans are getting up to.
WHAT??? Dark Jedi betraying each other??? What a shocker! This is why you can’t have more than two knocking around.
S01E03
They show these droids assembling Vader’s costume. They show the helmet going on in one piece, but we’ve seen on several occasions that it’s multiple pieces. The helmet part and face mask are separate. I know that’s a nitpick, but it’s such a horrible oversight.
Alright… guessing that’s not James Earl Jones doing Vader’s voice, but he sounds good. He doesn’t sound old and weak the way poor JEJ sounded in Rogue One. Let the man rest. He’s done his part. NOTE: Per the credits it was James Earl Jones, but I think we’re being lied to.
Vader knows Obi-Wan is alive. Are they going to explain why Vader isn’t sure he’s still alive in Episode IV? Tarkin is convinced he’s dead, but Vader isn’t like “No, you old fruit, he’s definitely alive, because a few years ago my inquisitors bumped into him.”
Look, another arid planet!!! YAAAY! At least this one has some scrub and other plants.
“People are not all good, Leia!” Yeah, dude, I think she knows that. She was just kidnapped by Flea.
Water planet? A planet that’s entirely one geographic feature? Are we sure this is Star Wars???
Wait, what’s that red light thing inquisitor lady walked through? A metal detector?
The actress playing “third sister” is just awful. Totally unconvincing. I don’t fault her. I think she’s just playing outside her range or getting bad direction. You need someone with gravitas in the role.
Hey kids, remember the probe droid pods from Empire?!?!
Obi-Wan blindly trust some bozo con artist and gets himself into trouble. At least they are keeping consistent with his portrayal in the prequels as an incompetent moron.
This alien guy is pretty cool looking with all the tendrils moving around his face.
Ok, so did they forget that storm troopers were retconned to be clones of Jango Fett? Technically that’s never stated on film, so could be wiped from cannon, but that was absolutely Lucas’s intent. In the commentary from Episode II he mentions that he added the bit with Jango Fett hitting his head on the door to his ship as a reference to the storm trooper in Episode IV doing the same. He then said “I thought it would be funny if that was a flaw in Jango Fett that they cloned into all the storm troopers.”
If they aren’t clones it does nothing to explain where all these soldiers came from. Episode III already had the problem of there suddenly being thousands of officers who weren’t Jango clones at the very end. Here we are 10 years later and the Empire has millions of loyal minions?
Why is Obi-Wan even engaging these fools? Why isn’t he just mind-tricking them into ignoring that they are there? Same with the driver.
I do like how dirty the uniforms are. That’s a nice detail that the prequels would have missed with their CGI troopers.
Obi-Wan has this moment with Leia where he’s wistful for the good old days with Padme and Anakin. Shame they never showed us how much they cared about each other on film. Might have given this scene a little weight.
Obi-Wan talking about the family he was taken from, including a baby sibling, is probably the best thing they’ve done so far. Would have been more interesting to focus on that story.
Ok, so why the second encounter with troopers? Just do one. The first one added nothing you couldn’t accomplish with the second encounter.
Once again… why isn’t Obi-Wan using the mind trick???
Hey kids, remember probe droids!!!
sigh Incompetent storm troopers who can’t hit the broad side of a barn and are zero threat to an old man using a weapon with which he has expressed a lack of affinity on multiple occasions. One got cut in half though, that was kind of cool. I wish the guts rolled out.
Ok, for sure these aren’t Jango clones. One of the third group of troopers is a lady.
Hey it’s Indira Varma! I really like her. And she’s a good guy in disguise.
Why do these inquisitors work together at all? Why don’t they just immediately kill each other?
Wow, dialogue wasn’t synced on the inquisitor with the head tails.
Jedi underground railroad.
“Quinlan was here”. Who the fuck is that? Am I supposed to know that name?
This robot was about to jack some fools. I guess the three laws of robotics aren’t in the Star Wars universe. (I know they aren’t, they’ve established on multiple occasions that Star Wars droids are sentient lifeforms kept as property)
Lady spy: “I signed up when the Empire stood for something.” You mean ten years ago? When you were in your mid to late 30s?
The sun didn’t set, it crashed.
Ok, so Obi-Wan sees Vader. They are literal meters from one another. Vader doesn’t sense him? He was no further away when he sensed him on the Death Star. He was later able to hunt him down from, presumably much further away on board the massive space station. Also; Obi-Wan didn’t have this same freaked out reaction when he was on board the Death Star.
Evil inquisitor lady pauses when she sees the Jedi symbol. My theory about her being one of the Jedi kids will be right.
So they run into each other outside this town. Funny that Vader saved his “we meet again at last” line for when they met 9 years later on the Death Star and not here… when they finally met again… at last.
Wow, they even fight each other. Is this all in Obi-Wan’s head? This makes absolutely no fucking sense to continuity.
Funny how Obi-Wan is so confident when he faces him 9 years from now… when he’s older and weaker. It’s almost like that Obi-Wan and that Darth Vader are totally different characters.
I don’t even understand what’s going on. Vader is going to burn Obi-Wan, but then is like “nah”, go get that guy and bring him here”.
Lady spy has a clear shot and she chooses to shoot the storm trooper and not Darth Vader, the most dangerous man in the galaxy?
A bit of fire stops Vader from getting to Obi-Wan. Can’t he just use force powers to levitate over it? He’s not afraid of fire. He was just using it to taunt Obi-Wan.
Good Lord, why am I even still watching this schlock?
Armchair Screenwriter 