Head-Cannon Actress / Final Fantasy XIV

The story is good. It’s pretty standard JRPG (Japanese Role Playing Game) fare. You’re the “chosen one” sent to defeat all the world’s ills all by yourself (despite the multi-player angle of the game). But therein lies the problem. JRPG characters tend to be silent protagonists. They very rarely speak, and the player rarely has any agency in the story. Things just kind of happen, and the player is expected to guide the character in a linear fashion toward the next goal told to them. Exposition is handled by the characters around the protagonist explaining everything to each other while your character witnesses it. There’s nothing wrong with this approach to storytelling. It can provide some very compelling narratives, but it does lead to some awkwardness from an audience perspective. The protagonist feels more like an audience member than an active participant. The most amazing things are happening and, at best, the hero might have a mild look of shock, but most of the time it’s just the same neutral expression.

The longer I played the more I wanted a reason why my character acted this way, and slowly a narrative developed in my head…

The Origins of Lori Miklosh

Our story begins a little over 20 years ago in the city of Trnava, Slovakia, where Lujza Mikloš was born to humble origins. By the age of 14 she was exceptionally tall, and quite attractive, catching the eye of local perverts. One such degenerate had the bright idea to have her model for his furniture store’s advertisements. He approached her with the proposal, but Lujza was no fool. She took the proposal to her parents, and then diligently researched the ins and outs of the modeling world, finally returning to the merchant with her demands.

In truth, the demands were perfectly fair, but he was outraged. This girl was going to be his meal ticket to bed and sofa sales, and here she was wanting a reasonable cut. He told her where to go, and no mistake.

Where she went was to his rival, with the same offer. Two years later, his rival bought his store, and Luzja was on the cover of magazines all over Europe, having now adopted a name that was a little more palatable to foreign masturbation enthusiasts: Lori Miklosh.

Lori Miklosh: International Superstar

Lori smoldered in front of the camera. By the age of 18 she had graduated into more mature fare, modeling lingerie, perfumes, sports cars, and all manner of fashion. If her face was on the advertisement, sales skyrocketed. She was known in every corner of the globe. Beyond her native Slovak, she spoke eight languages, doing interviews in English, Russian, Spanish, Portuguese, French, Italian, Japanese, and Mandarin. Her charm and intensity captivated those around her. Beyond her slender physique and perfect features, her eyes radiated an intelligence and maturity beyond her years.

The next phase in her career was only logical.

Hollywood Comes Calling

A major Hollywood studio was working on a fantasy epic to rival that of Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones, or Beastmaster. They needed a lead who would resonate with audiences across the globe and across social strata. They needed Lori Miklosh.

Audition? Screen test? Unnecessary. Her work spoke for itself. And so she found herself back in her native Slovakia, where the production was being filmed for tax purposes (and lack of union regulation), the lead in the biggest motion picture event since Cleopatra… Final Fantasy XIV.

All the Charisma of the Lumber Aisle at Menards

Except… there was one problem. Resplendent as she might be in front of a still photographer, or while being interviewed before taking the runway in Milan, as soon as the movie cameras began rolling, she froze. Worse, she didn’t realize it.

Take after take, the director would attempt to guide her, she’d listen, nod, and then action would be called… the same blank stare. The same empty-headed gaze. “Cut” the director would cry and her features would loosen, her smile beaming from ear to ear, everyone around her melted as she said “Did we get it? How was that?” Nobody had the heart to tell her.

She was terrible.

Highlights from Lori Miklosh in Final Fantasy XIV

Director: “Alright, Lori, the sultana of Ul’dah is choking on her wine. Something isn’t right. She’s been poisoned. You’re concerned. Aaaaaand… ACTION!”

Director: *sighing* “Ok… forget it. Cut. Print. Moving on. The Sultana falls out of her chair onto the ground. You rise up, terrified at the implications that she’s been poisoned. Got it? Aaaaaand… ACTION!”

Director: “You’ve been falsely accused of poisoning the Sultana. You’ve been manacled, beaten, and dragged before a crowd of hundreds. Raubahn, your ally through this entire adventure thus far, refuses to believe you’re the perpetrator and knows there’s a conspiracy. He lashes out, killing one conspirator, then duels with another, who cuts his arm off.”
Lori: (her face awash with excitement, mixed with fear) “Oh wow. This is so intense!”
Director: “Yes! Yes! That’s the look! That’s what I want in this scene. Desperately, Raubahn, leaps across the room and with one swift cut, removes your bindings. He tells you to flee, to get to safety. He’s sacrificing himself to save your life, so you might find the truth of who killed his beloved Sultana. ready?”
Lori: (fanning herself) “Oh, this is all too much. So much excitement. I think I’m ready.”
Director: “Excellent. Hank [playing Raubahn], are you ready? Good. Aaaaaand… ACTION!”

Director: Your situation is desperate. Your allies, one by one, have stayed behind, sacrificing themselves so that you might escape. The last of them, Minfilia, now does the same, urging you to continue on. You’re the fabled Warrior of Light, only you can bring hope to the people and defeat the evils of the world. From this moment on, you will be alone.
Lori: (wiping away tears) “This is so tragic. Please tell me she isn’t really going to die.”
Director: (laughing) “Now, now, I don’t want to spoil anything. You’re ready, it looks like? Aaaaaand… ACTION!”

Director: “Ok, Lori, some good news at last. Two more of your companions escaped capture and/or death at the hands of the traitors.”
Lori: “Who?”
Director: “You’ll see in a moment. Terry [playing Tataru], Mitsuko [playing Yugiri], take your marks.”

Director: (whispering to camera operator) “Were we rolling on that?”
Camera Operator: “Oh, actually we were, sorry, I never did reset after the last setup.”
Director: “Perfect, we’ll use it.” (to Lori) “You know what, we’re scrapping that scene. We’re good, moving on…”

Director: “This is a big scene, Lori. This is the final shot of the first film in the series. The spirit of the ancient dragon you defeated, Midgardsormr, manifests and tells you that the road ahead is paved with destruction of the world as you know it and, ultimately, your own demise.”
Lori: “Wow. Alright. Well, given everything I’ve done and been through, I’m determined, defiant almost. Ready to face the challenge ahead.”
Director: “Yes! That’s exactly right. You have such a keen insight into this story.” (muttering under his breath) “Now only if we could get you to show that to the camera.”
Lori: “What?”
Director: “Nothing! Aaaaaand… ACTION!”

Director: “Welcome back, everyone. Feels like we only just wrapped on part 1 a few weeks ago, but maybe that’s just because the premier was last week.”
Crewmember: “Based on the reviews of our dynamic leading lady, there isn’t going to be a part 3.”
(The crew bursts into laughter, but then quickly stops when the star walks on set)
Lori: “What’s everyone laughing at?”

Director: “Just a dumb joke.” (whispering to camera operator) “Were you rolling? That’s honestly not a bad reaction, we could key out the background and insert that into a bunch of places.”
Camera Operator: “I’m always rolling now, boss, for this very reason.”
Director: “Good job.”

Director: “You’ve just been informed that Alphinaud and Tataru are accused of Heresy. They will be put to death if found guilty!”

Director: “Wow. Excellent take.” (whispering to camera operator) “I think she’s getting better.”
Lori: “Oh, were we rolling? Let me do another. I wasn’t ready.”

Director: “You have to engage in a trial by combat for the lives of Alphinaud and Tataru. It is a fight to the death. All three of your lives are at stake. Aaaaaand… ACTION!

Director: “Cut… *sigh* Cut… moving on.”
Lori: “How was that?”
Director: “Fine. Fine.”
Lori: “I’m so happy to be back doing this. I have so much fun, and I learn so much from you, and everyone else.”
Director: (thinking about the death of his career and trying not to sob) “And we’re so happy to have you here with us.”
Lori: “I wonder how much they’re going to pay me for this one? I think it was thirty million for the last one. I never know. I don’t need the money anyway, I donate it all to help refugees and to educate women in developing nations.”
Director: “You’re like some living breathing work of modern art… maybe one day we’ll understand you.”